Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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