I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she smelled like a LAN party
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
