Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
