Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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