he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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