You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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