I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
