Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
