He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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