Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
