why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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