When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
