guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
