making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
