i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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