Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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