So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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