I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
