At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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