Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
