I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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