I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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