i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
