Soap is not a condiment
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
