I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
