Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
