I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
