I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
