Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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