one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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