so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
