i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
