then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
someone owes me an orgasm
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
