he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
