We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
