Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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