too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
