Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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