Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
