Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
