There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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