if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
