Your face is a jimmy john
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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