I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
