My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
ttyl tear gas
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
