He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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