I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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