I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
