Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
