Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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