Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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